Unless you truly don’t want this relationship, don’t betray it easily.
It’s very difficult to repair a relationship after betrayal. Those who idealize repairing and rebuilding are often those who have just experienced betrayal. Even if the relationship can be repaired and restored, this “restoration” is likely just a self-adjustment, not truly restored. In other words, you are just convincing yourself to accept this phase in the relationship, which many people can never overcome.
For those who have been betrayed in a relationship, you are not really at fault, but you have to bear the consequences of the other person’s betrayal. If you choose to bear it, you may endure too much grievance and difficulty. If you are unwilling or unable to bear it, you may end up being the one in the wrong. You see, they just made a mistake, but why do you always hold a grudge and can never move on?
People who have experienced betrayal, no matter what their final choice is—whether to continue the marriage or choose to end it—will eventually understand: after betrayal, nothing can go back to the way it was.
Perhaps many people will tell you that if you can find the problems in the marriage through betrayal, then betrayal can be a reflection on the marriage. After such a process, you might care more about each other and cherish the marriage more, making the relationship deeper and better—Is it really like that?
In the end, relationships are all “selfish.” No one can easily accept that the person they love has had emotional connections with others. Everyone knows deep down that if you can still like someone else when I am your lover, then what am I to you? How do you see me?
This kind of “awareness” will always hurt you, and you can’t deceive yourself. This may be the most difficult part to let go of after betrayal.
Many people like to describe the restoration of a relationship as “going back to the way it was,” but you will eventually realize that once betrayal occurs, it’s hard for two people to truly go back to the beginning.
Love is a strange thing. We invented the word, but we don’t really know how to give it a standard definition. What is love, and who can truly explain it?
Couples who have been through many years of ups and downs may have faced trials and hardships, but in reality, you will see that even those couples with decades of deep affection can be destroyed by a third party in just a few days. Your years of care, support, and companionship can’t compete with a third party’s late-night ambiguous message…
So, don’t get entangled in feelings after betrayal, because it’s no longer about that. In other words, people who betray relationships can’t resonate with emotions.
After betrayal, nothing can go back to the way it was, so there is no real complete restoration, as everything can’t return to the past and will never be the same.
However, for various reasons, the marriage must continue, and the two people must still face each other day in and day out. Therefore, for those who have experienced betrayal, they must adjust themselves and adapt to the new relationship.
This is the rebuilding of the relationship, including trust and intimacy.
This kind of rebuilding is like the process of falling in love at the beginning. If you were not satisfied with your partner during courtship, would you still get married? Probably not. If your partner was unfaithful to you during courtship, would you still get married? Probably not.
So, the rebuilding now follows the same logic. You can try to start over, but you have to learn not to pressure yourself. In other words, if you are still dissatisfied with your partner in the end, or if your partner is still unfaithful, then you should choose to end it and move on.
The fundamental difference between the two is this: In the dating scenario, if you don’t accept it, you won’t force yourself to accept it. However, in a marriage after betrayal, it often happens that you don’t accept it but force yourself to do so.
This is the real reason causing your pain.
If you lack the freedom to choose, you will fall into obsession and lead yourself into a dead end in life, such as being stuck in a stagnant marriage and expecting yourself to be a miraculous healer. When you are in a situation where everything seems impossible, letting go is more precious than persistence.
Lack of freedom of choice sometimes creates numerous “attachments” as obstacles for yourself.
You may say you can’t do it.
Yes, no one can do it right from the start, but at least you should understand that this may be the path to freeing yourself.