In a marriage, there are two little-known “existences”. If these two “existences” are not recognized and resolved, even if the marriage ends, one can still be trapped in the relationship, unable to truly break free mentally and physically.
The first hidden “existence” is the habit of interaction.
Habits can be good or bad, like waking up early daily is a good habit, while staying up late every night is a bad one.
Over time, couples develop unconscious habits that are hard to change, shaping their interaction patterns and conflict resolution methods. A healthy marriage has respectful interaction patterns, while an unhealthy one involves control, dominance, and even harm.
Accumulating unhealthy habits leads to a situation where both parties are used to this dynamic. The one who used to “harm” feels uncomfortable if they stop, while the other party feels wronged if they refuse to be “harmed”.
Being in this situation is painful for the “harmed” party, who often compromises and justifies it for the sake of the family or children. However, there’s a limit to how much one can tolerate. When one crosses that line, they realize they can’t retreat further without losing themselves completely.
Many choose to fight back, leading to divorce. Yet, divorce doesn’t always solve the problem because of these ingrained habits. Even after divorce, the same interaction patterns continue, especially for couples with children who still need to communicate.
This brings a major challenge where one party, based on habit, continues to interfere, control, and influence the other. Despite the divorce, they still can’t find true freedom or escape the pain.
The second hidden “existence” is mental control.
In unhealthy marriages, there’s often a struggle for control. For some, the goal isn’t happiness but control, especially on a psychological level. These individuals are typically dominant, lack empathy, and resort to extreme measures in relationships.
They measure a relationship’s success by the level of control they have. If they can’t control the other person or if the other resists, they consider the marriage unhappy and blame the other.
Their usual tactics include criticizing, giving the silent treatment, and inducing guilt in the other person, shifting blame for the marriage’s unhappiness onto them.
All these tactics aim to control the other mentally. If the other party in the marriage doesn’t realize this, they fall into a state of being controlled, causing significant harm to their psyche.
Many mistakenly believe that ending the relationship will end the problem. However, even after divorce, this control dynamic often persists, not changing fundamentally with the marriage’s dissolution.
People usually realize these issues some time after divorce but feel helpless in addressing them.
Where does the root of the problem lie?
It lies in one’s cognition and personality.
Simply put, adjusting one’s understanding of relationships and issues is necessary, along with adapting one’s personality. If these aspects are not worked on, even after divorce, one can still be controlled by their ex, stuck in the previous relationship mentally despite the physical separation.
If this is the case, the original purpose of divorce—to end the pain and find happiness again—is greatly compromised.
In the next article, we’ll discuss how to break free from the constraints of the past relationship and move forward.