Forgiveness is probably the lesson that must be faced after encountering betrayal. Even those who ultimately choose to end their marriage initially attempt to forgive.
Many people continue their marriage, but the emotional burden is hard to dispel. They often ask me, “Why can’t I ever let go and forgive the other party?”
If you truly want a genuine answer, then the answer is actually:
All betrayals are not worth forgiving.
After giving this answer, many people will probably come at me. If you’re ready to criticize at this point, you can stop reading now. But if you want to know why this is the answer, you might as well patiently read on.
The first reason why betrayal is not worth forgiving is that all betrayals are deliberate harm caused by adults.
No one should deny this. Betrayals are actions of adults, and the nature and potential consequences of their actions are foreseeable. Therefore, betrayal is not an innocent mistake but a deliberate harm. It’s like walking on the street and suddenly being stabbed hard by someone you have always trusted the most in your life.
Emotional betrayal is not just intentional harm, but in some cases, it’s when they conspire with someone you may hate the most in your life to hurt you. They are in cahoots, and you are the target of their harm. They are a team, and you are an outsider. When you think about these things, it’s hard to let go, and of course, it’s very difficult to truly forgive the other party.
Another aspect is that this kind of harm will have a long-term impact on you, making it naturally difficult to forgive.
People who have experienced betrayal, regardless of the outcome of their marriage, have an indelible scar in their lives. It’s like a demon hidden in your heart, disturbing you from time to time, causing you pain and distress. You could have been in a good mood today, but suddenly a certain scene might drag you back into that memory, making your mood or emotions immediately turn sour—something you wouldn’t have to face without the past betrayal.
We are more likely to forgive things that have little impact on us. But betrayal, with its deep hurt and long-lasting effects, is completely beyond imagination, making it naturally hard to forgive. Betrayers always think it’s not a big deal, wondering why you can’t get over it, because they are not you and cannot empathize with you.
The most difficult aspect is that your self-esteem has been hurt. For those who have experienced betrayal, forgiving betrayal equals accepting humiliation. Although many psychologists may say that these two are not related, for those who have experienced betrayal, this connection is inevitable and cannot be resolved or eliminated by any psychological counseling.
So why do we still talk about forgiving betrayal?
Because emotions are tied to marriage—we have to admit that the reason why most people choose to forgive the other party is not because they truly want to forgive or because they think it’s worth forgiving, but because they cannot divorce, so they can only forgive. This is actually the truth.
Why do many people, after experiencing betrayal, go back and forth, convincing themselves to forgive the other person today and then feeling unbearable pain tomorrow, and wanting to divorce every minute? It’s because fundamentally, you resist forgiving and also resist divorcing.
The basic logic is: unable to divorce—— so the marriage must continue—— and to improve the marriage—— forgiveness must be achieved.
Therefore, under this logic, forgiveness becomes a necessary task to continue the marriage.
Many people agonize over “why should I forgive the other party.” If we must give a single answer, it’s simply because the marriage must continue.
Looking at it from this perspective, you can give yourself another way of thinking: because marriage is a unity, as long as the marriage exists, the two are one. Therefore, although betrayal is the other party’s problem, because you are one, you have to bear some of their fault, and one way to bear it is to forgive them.
Another perspective is: because the marriage cannot end, of course, we still hope that the marriage can improve. So, since betrayal has occurred and cannot be changed, if the one who was betrayed cannot forgive, the relationship cannot improve. Therefore, the responsibility for the relationship to improve falls on the one who was betrayed. At present, only you can complete the task of forgiveness, then this relationship can possibly improve.
Of course, all the forgiveness discussed here refers to valuable and meaningful forgiveness, not the kind that appears to be forgiveness but is actually cowardice. I have discussed what constitutes valuable and genuine forgiveness in many of my previous articles, so I will not go into detail here.
Finally, I want to say one more thing. When it comes to forgiving betrayal, many people will say a sentence: everyone makes mistakes, not forgiving others is narrow-minded… This statement is actually a form of latent moral coercion. The implication of this statement not only absolves the betrayer but also traps the betrayed into a moral dilemma—if you don’t forgive the other party’s mistake, then you are an unethical person.
On this issue, I can only say two things:
First, not everyone makes mistakes; many people who have experienced betrayal haven’t done anything wrong, have they?
Second, why make mistakes in the first place? You know very well whether your actions are right or wrong.