Friend’s Inquiry:
(To protect privacy, I will summarize the friend’s original words and make necessary details hidden.)
The writer is a woman, referred to as Emily, with a high level of education and outstanding expertise. Although she just graduated, she has a stable career and social status. Emily sent me her photos, and she is definitely a beauty with a medium height and gentle temperament. She comes from an ordinary family background.
The man, nearly 40 years old, is like a typical uncle to the twenty-something Emily. Let’s call him Uncle Joe. He is the CEO of a large company owned by relatives. Apart from being divorced and having children, he can be considered as rich and handsome. In Emily’s words, “He has a good physique, looks great, and has a good taste. He bought me gifts worth over 6,000 dollars on our first date and 10,000 dollars on the second.”
Relationship status: Long-distance. It would be difficult for them to live in the same city in the future unless Emily gives up her current satisfactory job. Uncle Joe is usually aloof and doesn’t initiate contact with Emily. It’s always Emily who contacts him two or three times a week. However, Uncle Joe likes to show off his wealth in front of Emily, such as taking her to see luxury watches during their dates. He bought himself a watch worth over 100,000 dollars and bought Emily gifts worth thousands of dollars.
Emily doesn’t feel that Uncle Joe likes her. She’s even a little afraid of him. He once told her that she has “low emotional intelligence, is childish, and foolish.” Sometimes she feels tired of being the one to make all the effort, but she’s also afraid of missing out on Uncle Joe. She doesn’t know what he thinks of her and whether she should continue the relationship.
Response:
I won’t beat around the bush. As an outsider, I’ll be straightforward. I hope you can bear with me if I offend you.
You are satisfied with Uncle Joe’s objective conditions, so you are reluctant to give up despite not being emotionally fulfilled. When it comes to marriage, ignoring objective conditions and only talking about love is not realistic, so I understand your position.
Even though he has spent a lot of money on you, you don’t know if he really likes you. I’m afraid I will disappoint you. After reading your story, I want to make three points:
First, if I were you, whether he likes me or not wouldn’t matter, because he simply doesn’t have a chance.
The reason is: Your values don’t align!
You said he has a good taste, but I don’t think so. Judging people shouldn’t be based solely on appearance and attire. Let’s look at his behavior.
You are in a long-distance relationship, and when you finally meet, he wants to waste your precious time together by having you accompany him to buy a watch. It’s fine to like luxury watches, but is it necessary to buy one in front of a girl you’ve just recently met? Apart from showing off his wealth, does it have any other meaning?
Of course, earning money is an expression of capability, and it’s understandable to show off in front of the opposite sex. But his behavior indicates that as long as he spends some money, he can skip emotional investment. He has money, so he expects girls to love him, even if he doesn’t reciprocate?
I don’t harbor any resentment towards the wealthy. Earning money through hard work and capability is an ability. But being so obsessed with money is a bit off-putting. Moreover, working in a relative’s company and reaching the position of CEO, is it based on real competence?
Second, he doesn’t take you seriously, and he lacks basic respect.
- He once called you foolish?
If it wasn’t in a playful banter or during a heated argument, and he said this to your face, and you took it humbly? That’s a bit foolish. Such words, whether used on friends or subordinates, lack decency, let alone on a woman you’ve just started dating. I can’t imagine how he would “respect” you if you were to get married.
- He never contacts you first?
Uncle Joe’s shortcoming is a lack of intensity in his affection. However, a lack of intensity doesn’t mean there’s none at all. When Uncle Joe truly likes someone, there will be affection, but his affection, compared to a twenty-something young man, is more like a long-lasting, gentle, smoldering fire. Uncle Joe would certainly take the initiative to text the woman he likes, and he would definitely sweet talk to make you feel his love.
When you are holding his expensive gifts but still wondering if he likes you, there’s only one answer: He really doesn’t like you that much.
Would someone who likes you make you wonder? Doesn’t he know how much women anticipate being contacted first? He’s not ignorant about women, and he’s not a blockhead. If he doesn’t do it, it’s because he doesn’t want to. He doesn’t want to because he doesn’t care.
Of course, a normal man, faced with a young, beautiful, and highly educated woman like you, can’t simply not like you at all due to male instincts. But in this kind of liking, there’s more of a sense of novelty and pure sexual desire.
His behavior hardly qualifies as being in love. Unless he’s really naive and thinks that spending money equals love. Money isn’t his scarce resource, and even if he were to give you a car or a house, it wouldn’t represent his love for you. I think he is merely enjoying the freedom of being single and casually dating. Unless he truly falls in love with someone, he won’t easily tie himself down with marriage.
Third, be clear about what you truly want from love and marriage, and don’t lose yourself.
Whether to give up on Uncle Joe depends on what you truly expect from love and marriage.
If your emotional requirements from a partner are much greater than material ones, then clearly he is not suitable. If you can tolerate a partner not emotionally investing but only providing financially, then he might be an option, but is his “meal ticket” a long-term stability? It’s a bit uncertain.
There’s also a situation where you date him, take a certain amount of material benefits from him, and then find someone else.
How to choose depends on your life outlook and stage-specific strategy.
In my opinion, with your qualifications, finding a morally upright man is not difficult at all. You should be the precious one that a man holds in his hands and cherishes, not a pet that can be ignored with just a few gifts.
With your current career and prospects, even if you don’t marry a wealthy man, you can still lead a comfortable life. What a wealthy man can bring you is likely more of psychological vanity, but the cost could be enormous.
Fourth, accept expensive gifts with restraint.
I don’t know how you reacted when you received his gifts. If it were me, I would express refusal at the second or third time. I would tell him that his gifts are too expensive for me. It’s understandable if he didn’t know the first time, and there’s no need to appear overly fussy.
Accepting expensive gifts with joy and eagerness every time will make you appear materialistic, lacking in restraint and self-respect.
When a man gives gifts, he also observes you, and it might even determine his future attitude towards you. For girls who are materialistic, men will label you as someone who can be won over with money. Consequently, the possibility of him seriously considering you as a marriage partner will decrease. Men aren’t fools, and wealthy men are even more afraid of women who are after their wealth.