In the realm of emotional betrayal, there’s a common interpretation:
Betrayal happens because there are issues in the marriage.
At first glance, it seems reasonable. If the marriage is fine, why would there be betrayal?
Many who have experienced betrayal tend to trace back to their marriage, identifying where the problems arose between them, often unaware at the time.
This kind of reflection usually uncovers some issues. You may realize there were conflicts between you two that were not resolved completely, leading to consequences now. You might blame yourself, thinking if you had solved those problems back then, you wouldn’t be facing betrayal today.
You would regret and blame yourself.
However, this is a completely wrong approach—betrayal and marital problems are not directly related.
Look at the many marriages in real life. How many couples have no conflicts? If every time there’s a problem in the marriage, someone chooses to betray, then perhaps there are no faithful marriages left in the world.
Conflicts and differences are inevitable in marriage. Two individuals with various backgrounds trying to come together and form a close relationship—how could there not be conflicts and differences?
When conflicts arise in a marriage, it shows one’s views on marriage and family, ultimately reflecting on one’s character.
Some people, even in terrible marriages, won’t betray. At most, they choose to end the relationship. On the other hand, some, even in happy marriages, still betray and often want to maintain the marriage’s facade.
Why blame betrayal on marital issues?
People always try to interpret betrayal and after it happens, attempt to find solutions. But if you can’t pinpoint the root cause, how can you solve the problem correctly?
In the initial stages of betrayal, you wouldn’t think from this perspective. So, who influenced you?
The first person who influenced you is, of course, the one who betrayed you.
It’s not surprising because those who betray often try to evade responsibility. After betraying you, they will shift the blame onto you, making you carry the burden.
“You’re not good enough, you don’t treat me well…” such accusations can go on and on.
Do you believe them? Do you think these are valid reasons?
If you do, you’re falling into a trap because they are just finding excuses to dismiss you, and you’re taking it seriously.
If they say you don’t care enough, you change yourself, send messages regularly, call to greet, do everything perfectly when you’re home, show care in every detail. What happens? They might get annoyed because it’s just an excuse!
The second group that influences you could be counselors or similar roles.
They formalistically interpret betrayal and marriage, appearing more professional in this aspect. They might give you these thoughts and logic:
- Betrayal happens because there are issues in the marriage, so both are responsible. If you adjust yourself, once you improve, the other person won’t betray you.
- If they betray, it’s because you couldn’t meet certain needs. So, you must work hard to satisfy them completely. If you fulfill all their needs, why would they look elsewhere?
- They may have reasons or pressures leading to seeking excitement. You should understand them, care more, develop common interests, maintain communication…
Do you agree with such interpretations?
If you do, let me ask you two questions to see how you respond:
Can you guarantee you’re flawless? Can you ensure you can meet all their needs and continue to do so forever?
If betrayal is due to issues within the marriage, with both having responsibilities, then isn’t using betrayal a way to “take responsibility”? In other words, if both are responsible for the marriage’s problems, and one can betray, shouldn’t the one who needs to reflect and make an effort be the other person if you were to betray?
So, do you understand what I mean?