Experiencing betrayal in a relationship can be a huge blow to your confidence. Even the most outstanding individuals can fall into feelings of inferiority. Most of us are just ordinary people.
Feeling inferior leads to self-doubt, which then spirals into self-denial. Eventually, you end up hating yourself. Once you start hating yourself, you lose yourself forever.
Many people in this situation are truly pitiful. They could have been happy. They used to be cheerful and positive, with boundless goodwill towards the world. But now, due to someone else’s hurtful actions, they have sunk into despair, possibly forever. For them, life goes on, but life itself has lost its meaning.
Why do you end up hating yourself in such situations? Understanding this can help you move forward and stand tall.
Firstly, “betrayal” is a form of emotional rejection. It means that you have established a mechanism of self-denial based on emotions, which ultimately backfires on you.
In simpler terms, you care about the other person, so their betrayal leads you to deny yourself. If it were someone else, no matter what they did, it would be hard to trigger that “self-denial” nerve in you. So, why do you care so much about the other person? Because of emotions.
The person you care about betrays you emotionally, triggering a cycle of self-denial. You start feeling inadequate, unattractive, or unworthy of love. The root of “betrayal” lies within yourself…
In reality, the fundamental issue lies with the betrayer, not with you as the betrayed. Moreover, if they were with someone else, betrayal would likely still occur. If you were with someone else, you might not face betrayal.
Another perspective is that betrayal has nothing to do with your own worth because “your worth” and “their betrayal” are two separate matters. In relationships, is there anything worse than “betrayal”? Why do those who betray you not feel inadequate, while you, as the betrayed, end up feeling inadequate?
The real problem lies elsewhere—in how much more you value the relationship than they do. You fear losing it, so even though they are in the wrong, you are the one feeling stifled.
In ancient times, there was a story about a child claimed by two women as their own. Unable to determine the true mother, the judge told them to fight for the child. One woman let go when the child cried in pain, allowing the other to win. The judge awarded the child to the woman who let go because only a true mother would feel the child’s pain.
Similarly, in relationships, the one who cares more ends up “losing.” Unfortunately, we lack a fair judge like in that story.
Therefore, hating yourself because of the other person’s betrayal is a classic case of “punishing yourself for someone else’s mistakes.” If you are blameless and honest, why hate yourself?
Another common reason for self-hatred is facing problems you can’t solve, being trapped in them long-term, suffering repeatedly, and enduring agony.
In such situations, you might realize that even if others create the problems, it’s up to you to solve them. If you can’t rely on yourself, can’t save yourself from the misery, with no one sympathizing or helping you, you start hating yourself.
When stuck in a dilemma, feeling powerless, exhausted, and worn out, you gradually start hating yourself. Why can’t I get past this obstacle?
In such situations, you need two things:
Firstly, direction. You must set a clear path for yourself.
Those caught in painful entanglements often struggle due to indecisiveness—swaying back and forth, going in circles, staying in one place, leading to anxiety and a loss of patience and confidence. You need to take responsibility and give yourself direction. Consider this: if every day is painful, trying a different approach can’t make things worse. So, whether it’s letting go and living your life without them or bravely choosing to end it—what’s there to fear?
Once you have a clear direction and muster the courage, half the battle is won.
Secondly, energy. Inject powerful positive energy into yourself to face everything, endure all, shift your mindset from negative and helpless to positive and proactive.
Where does this energy come from? You need to draw it from your surroundings—through friends with the right values, work, education, exercise, doing what you love. These activities help build your energy. Seek out positive energy in every way possible. Even reading articles like this, weak as it may be, can be a source of energy. With regular exposure to such energy, you will see improvements sooner than you think.
The worst thing you can do is isolate yourself, attempting to “meditate in seclusion.” This often leads to obsession and self-destruction.
In conclusion, betrayal in a relationship is the other person’s individual action. It has nothing to do with you. There’s no need to hate yourself because of their betrayal. Instead, through such experiences, learn to love yourself, appreciate and enjoy who you are—because you are unique.