People who find it hard to find a partner often feel like they’re under a curse, as if they’re destined to be unlucky in love. They see others enjoying sweet relationships and feel even more lonely, wondering if they’re fated to be alone forever.
In reality, there’s no such curse. Many people who struggle to find a partner are simply trapped in a negative “self-fulfilling prophecy.” Overcoming this with a positive “self-fulfilling prophecy” can help them successfully find a partner.
Have you ever felt the following?
- You believe that you’ll never win over a girl you like.
Many guys who struggle to find a partner have experienced this. When they like a girl, their first reaction is that they won’t be able to win her over. Even if they muster the courage to make an attempt, they end up failing. Then they tell themselves, “I knew it would be like this.”
- You think girls are too difficult, and having a hateful attitude makes it hard to find a partner.
Some guys believe that all girls are difficult and only care about money. Holding hateful feelings toward women makes it difficult for these guys to find a partner.
- If you fear failure in other aspects of life, it’s likely that you won’t succeed.
This same fear in other areas of life often leads to unsatisfactory outcomes.
People in these situations are actually caught in a negative “self-fulfilling prophecy,” and that’s why their actions lead to these results.
What is a “Self-Fulfilling Prophecy”?
In 1968, the renowned American psychologist Rosenthal and his colleagues conducted a famous experiment. They visited an elementary school and selected three classes from each grade for a dramatic “future development prediction test.” The experimenters then notified the teachers about a list of students they believed had “excellent development potential.”
In reality, this list wasn’t based on the test results; it was randomly selected. It was a form of “authoritative deception” to influence the teachers’ expectations of the students on the list.
Eight months later, the results of another intelligence test revealed that the students on the list had generally improved their grades, and the teachers had given them good conduct ratings.
This experiment achieved miraculous results, and people call this phenomenon where teachers’ psychological influence on students leads to the progress that teachers expect the “teacher expectancy effect.” In psychology, this phenomenon is known as the “self-fulfilling prophecy effect” or the “Rosenthal effect.”
This experiment is just a classic example. In nearly 40 years of subsequent research, psychologists have repeatedly proven the effectiveness of this theory in various environments.
A self-fulfilling prophecy, also known as a self-fulfilling prophecy, refers to the way we treat others affecting their behavior, ultimately influencing their self-evaluation, or our self-evaluation influencing our future actions.
Most of us have experienced this during our school years. If a teacher frequently praised us for a subject, we’d get better at it, and if a teacher often criticized us for a subject, we’d lose interest in it.
When I was in high school, my grades were average, and I felt quite inferior. But I was good at writing essays. After one of my essays was read out loud by the teacher as an exemplary piece, I became very interested in Chinese. I started memorizing ancient texts and practicing my essay writing. My Chinese grades improved.
This is a classic example of a “self-fulfilling prophecy” in daily life. Due to the praise and encouragement from the teacher and classmates, I raised my own standards and hoped to meet others’ expectations. So, I worked even harder.
This is why nowadays, children’s education emphasizes encouraging them. Only continuous affirmation and encouragement can make a person want to meet others’ expectations.
The same applies to love. If a guy’s expectations of a girl are positive, the girl can feel his expectations, and this anticipation will influence her behavior, making her actions align more with his expectations.
The “Self-Fulfilling Prophecy” in Love
The self-fulfilling prophecy theory can create a virtuous cycle or a vicious cycle. Many people whose love lives are not going well are stuck in a negative “self-fulfilling prophecy,” leading to a vicious cycle.
When a guy contacts a girl and she responds slowly or is not proactive, or if her attitude seems somewhat indifferent, the guy feels that she surely doesn’t like him, isn’t interested in him. The girl feels the guy’s negative expectations, which then affect her behavior, leading to a similar negative response from the guy, who can’t control his emotions, ultimately resulting in failure.
Guys who like a girl but feel they can’t win her over are likely to grovel and become entangled, as they’re completely controlled by their emotions and can’t think clearly.
These guys who easily fall into a negative “self-fulfilling prophecy” are seen as “emotionally unintelligent” by girls and are not well-received.
For example, guys with poor delayed gratification skills are overly focused on the girl’s reactions. Even a slightly unhappy expression or an indifferent attitude from the girl makes the guy develop negative expectations, causing him to give up easily.
Sometimes, a girl’s behavior doesn’t necessarily mean anything. Her indifference might just be her way of observing the guy, not necessarily a lack of interest. But seeing the guy give up so easily, the girl may think the guy lacks sincerity.
Some guys believe that all girls are materialistic and think they can’t find a girlfriend because they don’t have money. Then, in their interactions with girls, they often bring up money. Most girls despise this behavior, and when they reject the guy, it’s actually due to his attitude. But the guy will say, “See? It’s because I don’t have money.”
People who are filled with negative views and resentment toward everything will find it hard to gain others’ approval.
The “Self-Fulfilling Prophecies” in Love:
- When you deeply feel that the other person won’t like you, she surely won’t, and vice versa.
- The more you want to “win back,” the less likely it is to happen.
- When you have negative feelings about love, it’s hard to find a partner.
- If you don’t truly appreciate the other person, they will surely make you feel bad.
Most people who are unlucky in love have these negative “self-fulfilling prophecies.”
Factors that make up the “self-fulfilling prophecy”:
- Inner feelings.
When you feel that someone likes you, they might actually end up liking you. Conversely, when your view of something is negative, the result will likely be negative.
When your inner feelings about something are positive, you know what you should do, what actions are appropriate. Conversely, when your inner feelings are negative, your emotions will control you, and you won’t know what you should do.
- Attitude.
When your inner feelings about something are positive, your attitude will be positive. When your inner feelings are negative, your attitude will be negative.
- Behavior.
Your attitude toward something determines your behavior. When your attitude is negative, your speech and behavior are likely to be inappropriate, causing others to lose interest in you, and the relationship will find it hard to progress.
- Thinking efficiency.
Most of the time, people engage in ineffective thinking because effective thinking is tiring. This is why most people don’t like using their brains.
During the process of falling in love, if a person’s thinking efficiency is low, they are easily controlled by their emotions. When faced with a problem, they’ll be at a loss, vacillating, and then they’ll develop negative expectations about the issue at hand.
- External feedback.
When people feel negative feedback from the outside, they easily fall into self-doubt, leading to their own negative “self-fulfilling prophecies.”
- Reflex.
If a person has had several bad experiences with love, they are likely to develop a reflex, a mechanism to protect themselves. However, this mechanism will create a negative “self-fulfilling prophecy” at the start of the next relationship.
How to Break Free from Negative “Self-Fulfilling Prophecies”
To overcome negative “self-fulfilling prophecies” and create positive ones, it’s important to understand why some people always produce negative views of things.
The formation of negative views is like a closed loop:
Frustration triggers aggression, which leads to negative feedback. Negative feedback leads to a drop in self-esteem. A drop in self-esteem leads to a decrease in self-discipline and initiative. A decrease in self-discipline and initiative leads to emotional indulgence. Emotional indulgence leads to a very poor personal state, making it hard to obtain positive feedback from the outside world.
When people face frustration, if they can’t handle it correctly and don’t know how to resolve it, they might become aggressive. Some people express this aggression outwardly, as seen in those online male haters. They may have experienced some setbacks in their interactions with girls and had negative feelings, resulting in aggression toward all women.
Other people become aggressive toward themselves, doubting themselves, blaming themselves, and even feeling inferior, thinking that they aren’t good enough or don’t deserve anything.
External aggression will trigger negative feedback, and internal aggression will lead to negative feedback about oneself.
A lot of negative feedback can lower a person’s self-esteem, making them feel inadequate and unworthy. This can make them see everything in a negative light.
Once self-esteem drops, a person can’t make an effective judgment about their own worth, and it becomes difficult for them to put in effort, accept themselves, or accept others. They focus only on the negative feedback from others, causing a decline in self-discipline and initiative.
As self-discipline and initiative decrease, a person becomes easily controlled by emotions, unable to manage their feelings, and this can lead to overindulgence in behavior. Many people who experience failed relationships engage in emotional eating for this reason.
After self-discipline and initiative decrease, a person’s overall state becomes very poor. They appear listless, resentful, and confrontational, making it difficult to interact with others. This makes it even harder to receive positive feedback from the outside world, leading to a vicious cycle and forming a reflex.
To break free from negative “self-fulfilling prophecies” and establish positive ones, you need to break the cycle that forms negative views and establish new reflexes.
- Change habits to increase self-discipline.
- Take positive action and understand that “done” is better than “perfect,” and feel a sense of accomplishment.
- Improve your image to raise others’ expectations and approval.
- Enhance thinking efficiency and rigor.
Changing your habits is the first step to changing your behavior and making it more positive. Positive and disciplined behavior generates a positive mindset.
A positive mindset helps increase initiative, and during action, your focus should be on the process rather than the result. Not seeking perfection makes it easier to feel a sense of accomplishment.
Efforts to improve your image leave a better impression on others and earn their approval, boosting your confidence.
When faced with a problem, maintain rigorous thinking habits. This way, you can remain calm, analyze the situation, and respond appropriately.
By doing these things, you can establish new reflexes, thereby creating a positive “self-fulfilling prophecy,” breaking free from the fate of struggling to find a partner, and achieving a wonderful love life.